I’ve been lucky.
Very lucky in my life that of all the incredibly stupid things that I
have done in my life, I have never been
met with any true violence. There are
countless times where I should have crossed the wrong person and got punched in
the face…for throwing men to the ground for grabbing my ass, for enlisting
people to whip out their cock and balls in the most inappropriate times, for
making their friends smell their dick bouqet’s, for playfully “thigh fiving”
complete strangers by fishing my palm between their thighs, and for the
hundreds of gut punches I’ve thrown men for aggressively cat calling me in the
streets…I can’t believe I’ve never been punched….and hey, I guess it’s never
too late to say never.
But I do recall the only time I have ever been slapped in
the face, and they meant it. I finally
crossed the line.
Colorado 2009. As a
performer it is truly a blessed thing to be able to travel the world with your
best friends and have over night sleepovers in strange towns, with enough booze
to make an army of straight men become experimental. There are some gigs where you show up, do
your thing, have social hour, get on a bus and sleep. Then there are others where you swear it all
happened because of the astral alignment with a full moon and you don’t know
what kind of voodoo magic took over the night….oh yeah it’s called whiskey.
After a series of shows complete with evil monkeys, demented
waltzs, little girls tap dancing and human cannibalism, we resorted to our
normal behavior of party our friggin’ faces off!!! Our hotel party was nothing less than one of
the most grotesque displays of party like a rock star that I have ever been
witness to. From flipping the furniture
upside down, laying dressers onto the beds to create slides, jumping across
beds and body slamming people mid air onto cushions we had created our own
indoor obstacle course…complete with rewards of naked boobs, champagne spilling
everywhere and an asthma inhaler pump to
your butthole for finishing the course.
We broke both beds, destroyed some furniture and sent a hot naked girl
to answer the door when the hotel staff tried to get us to knock it off. Thankfully, for as hard as we play, we also
work and were able to bust out our power tools and hazily repair everything for
a good IKEA second.
Come 6am my boyfriend and I retreated towards our room as
newspapers were getting placed in front of each room. We drunkenly turned on our tub for a nice hot
bath and thought we’d look in the hall once more to see if any more friends
were lingering about.
Now every once in a while, I have these ideas that come to
me that I think are genius….usually they are not. But once it comes, I have such conviction of
its potential awesomeness that I get this surge of energy and an obsessive
focus on needing to create it. It’s
like bad idea turrets. Something snaps
in my brain and the energy gets to be too much that I need to pull the trigger
and let it explode from me.
As my boyfriend and I walked out into the hall, the bad idea
fairy made his magical appearance and smacked me right in the face.
ME: “Hey hey, I have an amazing idea…”
For future reference, if you are with me when I say this and
you are not prepared, it is time to run.
My boyfriend at the time knowing this about me, very
reluctantly invited me to share my Nobel Prize winning thought.
ME: “So hey, I think it would be really hilarious if you
tinkled on every single one of these newspapers like a dog.”
HIM: “Like what?”
ME: “Like a dog! I’m serious! It will be hilarious. But you
actually have to look like a dog while doing it!”
HIM: No way….there’s no fucking way I am doing that. Are you
serious? No don’t make me!
But as I said before, once the bad idea fairy lodges his piercing
sword of debaucherous naught into the rock that is my brain, the only way the
prince can save me is to pull the bad idea sword out and use it’s sharp blade
to complete the mission and save the princess….cough…I mean I become obsessive
and I’m one persistent bitch.
So before I know it, the man meat is coming out, his knees
are trembling as he hovers over the newspaper and he begins to let out a little trickle, keegeling from one
newspaper to another, running like an old man with dookie in his Depends. I have never snickered so hard in my
life. Tears of laughter were streaming
out of my face, as it turned beat red while trying to stay as quiet as possible
and not wake the neighbors. He sat there
panting with his tongue out and back kicking the newspaper before he ran off to
the other. At that moment I remember
looking up and thinking, wow. I love this man.
As we rounded the corner and blessed these newspapers with his human
holy water we retreated back into our room and realized we had a whole other
issue at hand….the bath.
We forgot about our frickin’ bath. As we opened the hotel door we noticed water
seeping out of the bathroom. If
destroying all the furniture in your room, and tainting your neighbor’s morning
ritual of reading the paper wasn’t enough, hey let’s try this. Let’s flood the bathroom too! As my boyfriend had left his pants in the
bathroom, we walked in to a dead cell phone and sopping wet money floating
across the floor.
At this point it was time to tell my co-worker what we had
done. Still giggling from the nights
event, we knocked on her door full of excitement and delight, red in the face
with what we thought to be hilarity. I
felt like a child coming to mommy to show her the crayon drawing I had done on
her walls. There was this sense of pride
as the words came spilling out of my mouth.
But her face, her face said it all. I saw her go from zero to 109 in a split
second and SMACK!
HER: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? No seriously! WHAT IS WRONG
WITH YOU?!?!
The words bellowing
out of the caverns of her guts in a way that can only be described as the sound
of rolling thunder. I was stunned.
Completely stunned. She unapologetically
slapped me across the face and questioned every thing that I was… I stood there
in silence for a brief moment looking at her face, just blinking at her. This was my friend! My dear dear friend and cohort in all things
shenanigans. Did I really offend her? I
even down played it down as I thought she might have been sad to have missed out on
all the fun!
All I could do was stare at her confused and stunned, and then…I
had to laugh. I couldn’t believe it!
This tiny girl who I have never seen angry at anybody and who can be challenged
at times for standing up for herself, just had this instinctual charge to crush
the lesser species and attacked my face.
It was like she was channeling God and doing the universe a favor. A true angel.
And I? I just about lost it! Her reaction was so surprising to me, that I
experienced a moment of true shock and it tickled my whole soul! It is so rare when anything shocks me anymore
and here I was gifted with this moment where my heart jumped and my adrenaline
spiked. There was nothing else to do but
to laugh intensely.
So to Dayna I say, thank you…thank you from the deepest
parts of my soul. Thank you for not
trying to speak to me from a place of love or passive aggressively try and
suggest that I have crossed a line.
Thank you for slappin’ a ho when it needed to be done! Yeah girl! Get
it! It just made my heart grow a little
bit fonder.
