Eat a bag of dicks.
This has become a semi popular phrase that has erupted in
the last several years.
I’m not exactly sure how to take it….the phrase I mean…not
the bag of dicks. It’s vulgar to say the
least, but is this intended to be a message of ill will? It seems to me, that
if you’re the type that eats dick, then this may be a message of galactic
abundance. Like a cornucopia of
cock. Someone set the table! It’s dick
for dinner again!
All that aside, it does remind me of a rather
embarrassing moment in life, that did
involve a bag of dicks.
In my college years, I had a friend Arik, who was, and still
remains to be one of the crudest people that I know. He would insult people for sport and package
it up with such artistry you kind of had to look back at him in awe. He is a near carbon copy of Coach Sylvester
from Glee, except Asian and gay. He’d
say things like, “I’m dating a Mexcian now and when I lick his butthole, it
tastes like beans.” Or do things like
tell a guy that the self tanner in his hand was lube and wait for them to
scream like girls when they saw their orange dicks…Yeah Arik was a piece of
work.
But underneath all of his vindictive humor, he earnestly
cared for those he loved, and could be incredibly supportive and loyal. So despite the voracious teasing I would get
from him telling people my vagina had teeth or that I was actually a man in drag, I stuck
around. I knew who he was on the inside.
Well Arik had this tradition where he thought he needed to
help a sister out. So for EVERY birthday,
Christmas, Easter, Graduation…anything that seemed like a time for gift giving,
I would always get the same thing. A
dildo. But they weren’t all the same
kind. There were a few traditional
dildos, some glass, some vibrated, some
unfathomably big, some weren’t dicks at all but fists….After 4 years of
friendship, the collection grew past what you’d think the average college girl
should have. Not knowing what to do with
them really, I would just stuff them in this cheap blue GAP bag and shove it under my bed.
Once I graduated from college and received my graduation
dildo, I moved back into my parents home for a few months. I took their downstairs bedroom and had it
pretty sweet for a little while.
Eventually I found a home and moved all of my stuff out of there.
A few years after my move, my parents told me that a pipe
had burst in their home and flooded the downstairs bedroom. Thankfully that was the only room to get hit
and the rest of the house seemed fine.
They did tell me however that I should come back and collect
the things I had left in that room.
No problem. As I
entered the room, I looked around and
felt sorry that they had to gut the room out, toss all the old furniture and
repair the damaged walls. I inspected
the room and looked in the closet for my remaining things. When I opened the door, the first thing I saw
was a very familiar looking blue bag. Oh NO! It
was my bag of dicks.
My.bag.of.dicks! The
bag of dicks that USED to live under my bed.
Seeing as how they weren’t a part of my every day existence, I
completely forgot about them when I moved out, and now here they were neatly
put away in the closet. Horrified, all I
could imagine were my parents opening the door to the flooded room and dicks
just floating across the floor. Who
discovered these dicks and decided to put them back in the bag and on the
closet shelf? Was it my mother or my
father? Is there really a better scenario to this? Did they towel dry them before placing them back in their cheap, drawstring, plastic bag?
It immediately brought me back to my childhood when I would
repeatedly hump my grandparent’s vibrating back pillow, and not understand my
parents and grandparents when they would look at me highly alarmed and ask me
to stop. When my parents saw that bag of
dicks, they had to have assumed their daughter grew up to be some sexually
obsessed freak. Ugh. Completely
mortified and upset with embarrassment, I tossed the bag into the trash, hoping
that the terrible feeling of shame would go with it too. But it didn’t.
Thankfully the bag was never mentioned and we all pretended
like nothing ever happened.
“Eat a bag of dicks” you say? Too ambiguous for me. I say,
“Mind fuck your parents with a bag of dicks!”
That’ll get ‘em…
