SuperExistencialisticExpialidocius!

Somehow this thought had reoccurred to me today.

The thought that I only know myself in comparison to others.  That because someone else is tall, I am small, that because they are mean, I am nice, or that because they’re nice, I’m a bitch, and because I think they’re stupid, I must be smart.

The thought  of me only knowing myself as a comparative element in an equation really set me up for  a shit realization. That by the very nature of playing comparisons, I immediately set me up for a me vs them paradigm.

Yes if it’s a me vs you situation, I can find false comfort in my being superior to the other in that moment. Some of that survivalist king of the jungle chromosome. Needing to see how we rank.

And many of us have already discovered that this bullshit survival technique is old paradigm and that we must really come to understand that we are all one…Yes. We.Are.All.One. …That very banal, and vague but deep as you want to imply that it is, statement that’s infiltrated our culture more than the local Starbucks.

But yes, we accept, sure we are all one. I don’t totally get it, but I do, but I don’t, but I do.

So I’m sitting here thinking, that if I don’t need to prove to myself that I’m King of the Jungle, by evidence of these elementary life quizzes,  then I don’t need to play comparisons, but without those comparisons…what’s left of me? Who am I?

And then it dawns on me.

 “Oh NOOOO!” Not this again!  Not the existential question of “Who am I?!” WTF! I thought I grew out of this stage. I thought I came up with plenty of really good answers along the lines of me being what I create myself to be, what I say I am in the present, and not a self to discover or find, but a self to be carved. Who am I?!?! I am enraged that this question should come back. It’s so 90’s.

Time to take a step back and laugh at myself all over again.